Sheer Epic Awesomeness

5-minute Hi-Res Video Montage of Cool

Submitted y 3SX Customer PeterS

Custom Garage Doors with Your Own Sense of Style

Yes, this area apparently real. Saw it on one of those "I want that" or "cool stuff" type shows on Discover Channel or somewhere recently... Printed garage door covers in lots of designs to change that boring white door into something that will leave the neighbors envious....

http://www.style-your-garage.com/index.php

Simple Solutions

Our teacher asked what my favorite animal was, and I said, "Fried chicken." She said I wasn't funny, but she couldn't have been right, because everyone else laughed. My parents told me to always tell the truth. I did. Fried chicken is my favorite animal.

I told my dad what happened, and he said my teacher was probably a member of PETA. He said they love animals very much. I do, too, especially chicken, pork and beef.

Anyway, my teacher sent me to the principal's office. I told him what happened, and he laughed, too. Then he told me not to do it again.

The next day in class my teacher asked me what my favorite live animal was. I told her it was chicken. She asked me why, so I told her it was because you could make them into fried chicken.

She sent me back to the principal's office. He laughed, and told me not to do it again.

I don't understand. My parents taught me to be honest, but my teacher doesn't like it when I am.

Today, my teacher asked us to tell her what famous person we admire most. I told her, "Colonel Sanders."

Guess where I am now...

Submitted by 3SX Customer John S

"Crank Walk"

The Latest Lamborghini...

Crazy Fight in Thailand

Movie WMV format 4.25mb

Submitted by 3SX customer Peter S.

Hunter in the Snow

Video WMV format 3.87mb

Electric Fence

If you have ever used an electric fence or know someone who has one you should read this.

The language used is a bit salty, but he tells it like it is without cursing. If you don't laugh hysterically at this....CHECK YOUR PULSE...this is funny....and true. This was sent by a retired dentist:

We have the standard 6 ft. fence in the backyard, and a few months ago, I heard about burglaries increasing dramatically in the entire city. To make sure this never happened to me, I got an electric fence and ran a single wire along the top of the fence.

Actually, I got the biggest cattle charger Tractor Supply had, made for 26 miles of fence. I then used an 8 ft. long ground rod, and drove it 7.5 feet into the ground. The ground rod is the key, with the more you have in the ground, the better the fence works.

One day I'm mowing the back yard with my cheapo Wal-Mart 6 hp big wheel push mower. The hot wire is broken and laying out in the yard. I knew for a fact that I unplugged the charger. I pushed the mower around the wire and reached down to grab it, to throw it out of the way.
It seems as though I hadn't remembered to unplug it after all.

Now I'm standing there, I've got the running lawnmower in my right hand and the 1.7 giga-volt fence wire in the other hand. Keep in mind the charger is about the size of a marine battery and has a picture of an upside down cow on fire on the cover.

Time stood still. The first thing I notice is my pecker trying to climb up the front side of my body. My ears curled downwards and I could feel the lawnmower ignition firing in the backside of my brain. Every time that Briggs & Stratton rolled over, I could feel the spark in my head. I was literally at one with the engine.

It seems as though the fence charger and the piece of shit lawnmower were fighting over who would control my electrical impulses.

Science says you cannot crap, pee, and vomit at the same time. I beg to differ. Not only did I do all three at once, but my bowels emptied 3 different times in less than half of a second. It was a Matrix kind of bowel movement, where time is creeping along and you're all leaned back and BAM BAM BAM you just crap your pants 3 times. It seemed like there were minutes in between but in reality it was so close together it was like exhaust pulses from a big block Chevy turning 8 grand.

At this point I'm about 30 minutes (maybe 2 seconds) into holding onto the fence wire. My hand is wrapped around the wire palm down so I can't let go. I grew up on a farm so I know all about electric fences ... but Dad always had those piece of shit chargers made by International or whoever that were like 9 volts and just kinda tickled.

This one I could not let go of. The 8 foot long ground rod is now accepting signals from me through the permadamp Ark-La-Tex river bottom soil. At this point I'm thinking I'm going to have to just man up and take it, until the lawnmower runs out of gas.

'Damn!,' I think, as I remember I just filled the tank!

Now the lawnmower is starting to run rough. It has settled into a loping run pattern as if it had some kind of big lawnmower race cam in it. Covered in poop, pee, and with my vomit on my chest I think 'Oh God please die .... Pleeeeaze die'. But nooooo, it settles into the rough lumpy cam idle nicely and remains there, like a big bore roller cam EFI motor waiting for the go command from its owner's right foot.

So here I am in the middle of July, 104 degrees, 80% humidity, standing in my own backyard, begging God to kill me. God did not take me that day.... he left me there covered in my own fluids to writhe in the misery my own stupidity had created.

I honestly don't know how I got loose from the wire ....

I woke up laying on the ground hours later. The lawnmower was beside me, out of gas. It was later on in the day and I was sunburned.

There were two large dead grass spots where I had been standing, and then another long skinny dead spot where the wire had laid while I was on the ground still holding on to it. I assume I finally had a seizure and in the resulting thrashing had somehow let go of the wire.

Upon waking from my electrically induced sleep I realized a few things:

1 - Three of the fillings in my teeth have melted.

2 - I now have cramps in the bottoms of my feet and my right butt cheek (not the left, just the right).

3 - Poop, pee, and vomit when all mixed together, do not smell as bad as you might think.

4 - My left eye will not open.

5 - My right eye will not close.

6 - The lawnmower runs like a sumbitch now. Seriously! I think our little session cleared out some carbon fouling or something, because it was better than new after that.

7 - My nuts are still smaller than average yet they are almost a foot long.

8 - I can turn on the TV in the game room by farting while thinking of the number 4 (still don't understand this???).

That day changed my life. I now have a new found respect for things. I appreciate the little things more, and now I always triple check to make sure the fence is unplugged before I mow.

The good news, is that if a burglar does try to come over the fence, I can clearly visualize what my security system will do to him, and THAT gives me a warm and fuzzy feeling all over, which also reminds me to triple check before I mow.

Submitted by Koolaid

"No Guts No Glory" Photographer

This is the case of 1 photographer taking photographs of a 2nd photographer. The following photos were taken by Hans van de Vorst from the Netherlands at the Grand Canyon, Arizona. The descriptions are his own. The identity of the 2nd photographer is unknown.

I was simply stunned seeing this guy standing on this solitary rock at The Grand Canyon. The canyon's depth is 900 meters (3000ft) here. The rock on the right is next to the canyon and is safe. Watching this guy - wearing flip-flop sandals - with camera and tripod, I asked myself 3 questions:

1. How did he get onto that rock ?
2. Why not take that sunset picture from the rock to the right, which is perfectly safe?
3. How will he get back?

After the sun set behind the canyon's horizon, he packed his things (having only one free hand) and prepared himself for the jump. This took about 2 minutes, and at that point, he had the full attention of the crowd of tourists.

He's now at the point of no return - he jumped in his flip-flops.

Now you can see that the safe rock is higher so he had to land lower - which was quite steep - and tried to use his one free hand to grab the rock.

Look carefully at the photographer. He has a camera, a tripod and a plastic bag, either on his shoulder or in his left hand. Only his right hand is available to grab the rock and the weight of his stuff is a problem. He landed low - his right hand and right foot are slipping. At this very moment, I took this shot. He then pushed his body against the rock, waited for a few seconds, threw his stuff up on the flat rock , climbed up and walked away, presumably to a bathroom to change his shorts. I know I had to change mine - and I was only watching !

Hans van de Vorst

Stupid Is as Stupid Does...

WD-40

Does anybody know what the main ingredient of WD-40 is? Read to the end to find out.

I had a neighbor who bought a new pickup. I got up very early one Sunday morning and saw that someone had spray painted red all around the sides of this beige truck (for some unknown reason). I went over, woke him up, and told him the bad news. He was very upset and was trying to figure out what to do....probably nothing until Monday morning, since nothing was open. Another neighbor came out and told him to get his WD-40 and clean it off. It removed the unwanted paint beautifully and did not harm his paint job that was on the truck. I'm impressed! WD-40 who knew?

'Water Displacement #40'. The product began from a search for a rust preventative solvent and degreaser to protect missile parts. WD-40 was created in 1953 by three technicians at the San Diego Rocket Chemical Company. Its name comes from the project that was to find a 'water displacement' compound. They were successful with the 40th formulation, thus WD-40. The Convair Company bought it in bulk to protect their atlas missile parts. Ken East (one of the original founders) says there is nothing in WD-40 that would hurt you...When you read the 'shower door' part, try it. It's the first thing that has ever cleaned that spotty shower door. If yours is plastic, it works just as well as glass. It's a miracle! Then try it on your stove top...Viola! It's now shinier than it's ever been. You'll be amazed.

WD-40 uses:

1. Protects silver from tarnishing

2. Removes road tar and grime from cars

3. Cleans and lubricates guitar strings

4. Gives floors that 'just-waxed' sheen without making them
slippery

5. Keeps flies off cows

6. Restores and cleans chalkboards

7. Removes lipstick stains

8. Loosens stubborn zippers

9. Untangles jewelry chains

10. Removes stains from stainless steel sinks

11. Removes dirt and grime from the barbecue grill

12. Keeps ceramic/terra-cotta garden pots from oxidizing

13. Removes tomato stains from clothing

14. Keeps glass (and plastic)shower doors free of water spots

15. Camouflages scratches in ceramic and marble floors

16. Keeps scissors working smoothly

17. Lubricates noisy door hinges on vehicles and doors in homes

18. It removes black scuff marks from the kitchen floor! Use WD-40 for
those nasty tar and scuff marks on flooring. It doesn't seem to harm the
finish and you won't have to scrub nearly as hard to get them off. Just
remember to open some windows if you have a lot of marks

19. Bug guts will eat away the finish on your car if not removed quickly!
Use WD-40!

20. Gives a children's playground slide a shine for a super fast slide

21.Lubricates gear shift and mower deck lever for ease of handling on
riding mowers

22. Rids kids rocking chairs and swings of squeaky noises

23. Lubricates tracks in sticking home windows and makes them easier to open

24. Spraying an umbrella stem makes it easier to open and close

25. Restores and cleans padded leather dashboards in vehicles, as well as
vinyl bumpers

26. Restores and cleans roof racks on vehicles

27. Lubricates and stops squeaks in electric fans

28. Lubricates wheel sprockets on tricycles, wagons, and bicycles for easy
handling

29. Lubricates fan belts on washers and dryers and keeps them running
smoothly

30. Keeps rust from forming on saws and saw blades, and other tools

31. Removes splattered grease on stove

32. Keeps bathroom mirror from fogging

33. Lubricates prosthetic limbs

34. Keeps pigeons off the balcony (they hate the smell)

35. WD-40 attracts fish. Spray a little on live bait or lures and you
will be catching the big one in no time. Also, it's a lot cheaper than
the chemical attractants that are made for just that purpose. Keep in
mind though, using some chemical laced baits or lures for fishing are not
allowed in some states

36. Removes all traces of duct tape

37. Folks even spray it on their arms, hands, and knees to relieve
arthritis pain

38. Florida 's favorite use is: 'cleans and removes love bugs from grills
and bumpers

39. The favorite use in the state of New York , WD-40 protects the Statue
of Liberty from the elements

40. Use it for fire ant bites. It takes the sting away immediately and
stops the itch

41. WD-40 is great for removing crayon from walls. Spray on the mark and
wipe with a clean rag

42. Also, if you've discovered that your teenage daughter has washed and
dried a tube of lipstick with a load of laundry, saturate the lipstick
spots with WD-40 and rewash. Presto! The lipstick is gone!

43. If you spray WD-40 on a distributor cap, it will displace the moisture
and allow the car to start

P.S. The basic ingredient is FISH OIL!

Submitted by 3SX Customer Brian F.

Investing...

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Delta Airlines one year ago, you will have $49.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in AIG one year ago, you will have $33.00 today.

If you had purchased $1,000 of shares in Lehman Brothers one year ago, you will have $0.00 today.

But, if you had purchased $1,000 worth of beer one year ago, drank all the beer, then turned in the aluminum cans for recycling refund, you will have received $214.00.

Based on the above, the best current investment plan is to drink heavily & recycle. It is called the 401-Keg.

A recent study found that the average American walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that Americans drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year.. That means that, on average, Americans get about 41 miles to the gallon!

Makes you darned proud to be an American!!!

Dodge 'Em

There's a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says,

"See, it's not as easy as it looks, is it?"

MORE ARCHIVED LAUGHS!!!

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